The story of the week right now (people need anything to forget the latest Super Bowl) is Virginia Governor Ralph Northam’s med school yearbook photos that show a picture of one man in blackface next to another in a KKK hood. It has re-ignited a debate about how much we should hold public figures accountable for mistakes in their youth, as we have all done things we are not proud of. But these discussions generally don’t focus on two critical points – what the response reveals about someone’s present character, and how these “harmless mistakes” impact others.
On the first point, we are so used to the scripted, anodyne apology that we may even come to think of it as if there is no other choice. But how we respond to past transgressions says so much more about our character, and these scripted apologies say only “I don’t much care about the impact my mistake had, I only care that people perceive that I have changed”. Sometimes we complain that people shouldn’t have to apologize for events repeatedly, but that usually ignores the fact that the initial apology was a non-apology cloaked in humble language.
To get an apology right is to show a person has grown and changed and to address and prioritize those hurt by the action over one’s self. For a good example of this, read this link:
http://time.com/5100019/dan-harmon-megan-ganz-sexual-harassment-apology/
How often do you see that kind of vulnerability and honesty in an apology? Can you imagine if this type of apology were the norm rather than “I am sorry for any pain that was caused by my actions”? Don’t you think that someone who can apologize with this specificity and openness is the kind who has shown they deserve to be forgiven and that it is okay to move on from their transgressions?
Let’s contract Harmon’s apology with a reminder about Gov. Northam’s response.
And here I am only sharing the initial apology, rather than getting into how he backtracked the next day. When you consider alternatives to how he could have handled this, does that really even look like an apology? Can’t you imagine ways in which he could have truly dealt with the issue as an opportunity for growth? And to be clear, this post is not about Northam specifically, he just serves as a very useful and fresh illustration of a broader trend in society.
Now you might acknowledge that there are more genuine apologies but think that it doesn’t matter – why must we re-litigate all mistakes of the past and not just move on? This is where my second major point comes in, as far as the impact to others. Again, Northam’s case is instructive here. Let’s just look at two different groups of people to illustrate the point.
Consider if you were a black medical student at Eastern Virginia Medical School in 1984. You open your yearbook, flip through the pages, and see staring at you a white man in blackface next to another man in a KKK costume. While norms were certainly different in 1984 and it is hard to project current sensitivities onto the past, there is no question that the Klan was a symbol of hatred to black people at that time. To see that image endorsed by your school and that your classmates considered it an amusing joke could easily linger in your consciousness and tell you that you don’t belong. And now to see people brushing it aside as youthful indiscretions would reinforce that point.
Now flip ahead 35 years, and picture yourself as a black resident of Virginia today. You see your Governor’s yearbook page with these images. What would you think about you representation? Would you have confidence that black people are respected under this administration? Wouldn’t you consider it critical that the man leading your state show a genuine understanding of why that image is hurtful to you and to show without any doubt that he recognizes the pain it can cause and that he has unequivocally moved on from the person he was to allow that?
This circles right back around to the first point and the importance of the present-day reaction. Again, we can use the Dan Harmon apology for contrast. Harmon recognized the hurt he had caused this woman and his reaction to his past being brought up was to address that hurt directly. The object of that hurt then gained some measure of relief from having her experience validated. Northam has not done this, which makes him pretty typical of any public figure called out for any kind of misbehavior. And while we are here debating concepts like statutes of limitations on bad behavior, real people are left being ignored and treated as if they don’t matter, and that all that counts is allowing this powerful man to move on from his behavior without consequences.
But truly, if the only consequence is having to honestly reckon with the pain you have caused someone, are we asking too much?